Ask Me Anything

Davida told me:  I told my husband that I wanted to be away for a weekend. I just wanted to run away. I didn’t want to be around him or my daughter. I LOVE THEM BOTH MORE THAN ANYTHING… I just wanted to be by myself. Honestly, a few times I thought I may not return. He basically said H-no! I could go away for a few hours, but a weekend was out of the question. I now see his point. I wonder if something’s wrong with me. The house is clean, breakfast/lunch/dinner are always ready, my business affairs are in order, my physical appearance is well-kept and so is my daughter’s, I take good care of her and him–is it normal to want to leave them both??? Normal or not, what should I do about it? I have a good life. What’s wrong with me?!

Nothing is wrong with you, darling.  You have a need and you’re expressing it, addressing it now as you need it.  I think that’s terribly healthy.  There are a few things that just might not strike your husband, or you, for that matter.  Whereas men traditionally think of themselves as associated with a profession, women often think of themselves as their roles:  wife, mother, caretaker, housekeeper, etc.  If they work as well, it’s just one more role to carry.  Unlike a job, however, those things don’t have a time limit.  You don’t punch a clock and say, “Whew, that’s over.  I don’t have to worry about being a mother again until Monday.”

It can and does happen to dads and husbands, too, but, in general, I think they are less prone to it.   Historically, women have tended to set their own needs aside in favor of their roles, becoming part of their husband’s family and giving up a piece of themselves, as symbolized by taking on the husband’s name.  That’s a generalization, of course, but I don’t think it’s pretty common.

The thing is, it’s hard to be on duty, 24/7, even if you love your family, your child, your husband, your life.  When you’re juggling all of your priorities, it’s easy, if you let one ball drop, to let that be yourself.  The more caring and giving a person you are, the more likely you are to lose sight of your own needs.  And the more you need to push yourself to take care of them.

My aunt Sue takes care of my bedridden grandmother, has been taking care of her for decades, helping other family members, being the rock a number of us depend on, working full time and taking great baby pictures.  Last week, she took off for a week to Hawaii and it was the best damn thing she’s done in years.  Not because she doesn’t love my grandmother any more, but because she’s entitled to a little preoccupation with herself, a little Sue time.  It’s not wrong.  It’s healthy.  And not only will she benefit by it, so will my grandmother because Sue will be happier and will be there because she wants to be, not because she has to be.

My sister, similar situation to your own.  I nag her to take time for herself because she needs it, not just for her own happiness, but because it’s better for her family if she’s healthy.  Never taking the time for yourself just isn’t healthy.

My husband is a stay at home dad.  When I’m home, I’m on duty, but he’s the one here 24/7.  When he says he needs to get away, I listen and do what I can to help him.  If he’s unhappy, if he feels that the life he leads is an obligation not his pleasure, he won’t be much fun for the kids or himself.  And he’s entitled to that time off, that time when he’s well and truly off the clock.  Truth is, when he leaves, he never wants to stay away as long as he thinks he does.  He usually can’t wait to get back or comes back early, but then it’s his choice, not his duty.  And that makes all the difference.

What I’m saying, as your sympathetic friend is, that there’s nothing wrong with you, that wanting to have some time being just Davida and not everything else you carry around with you all day every day isn’t wrong or naughty nor does it mean that you don’t love your husband, your daughter, or your life.  It just means that you don’t want to lose that little bit of yourself that is just yours, that you need a little time to recharge and remember all those other things you are besides a wife and mother.   When you come back, you’ll do so because being away reminded you of all the reasons why you’re there in the first place, but also remind you of that little spark of Davida that made you so appealing to them as well.

In order to do your best day in and day out, you need to be happy and you need to know your needs are important, too.  I hope you can convince your husband to see things your way.  In the long run, you’ll both be happier.

 And it might not hurt to make sure he gets some time for himself, too.